Thus far the Lord has brought us.
I fight feelings of distress,
As I think of leaving behind the year
And the most traumatic happening of my year;
Loosing you.
Could I ever leave you behind?
Can I even imagine it?
Accepting that I have to choose to live everyday,
Fully,
Intentionally,
Purposefully,
Alert...
As it takes me closer and closer to seeing you again.
Is it not strange that your leaving totally took over all the pain I felt when Dad left? It's not that I don't miss, cry and hurt over him,
But the pain my heart feels at the thought of you,
at the mention of your name...
So this year is drawing to a close, and I wonder if I will be able to...
Close it,
End it,
Leave behind the pain.
Take with me the words,
The laughter,
The voice,
...in my mind, my memories.
Will the pain that clenches at my heart
The moan that escapes my lips,
The grasping tight of my hot water bottle to my chest,
To try ease the pain...
Each night I lay my head down,
...Stop?
Will it stop with this ending year?
Will the tears that come gushing
Out of my eyes at the thought,
At the mention of your name,
...Stop?
Will they stop with this ending year?
You set me on my path of purpose.
Steady me and remind me...
That life is short.
Do it now!
Do not wait!
'Unangoja firimbi...?'
Who told you that you have another day?
Do it now.
PS: I am yet to meet another human,
Who will let me cry,
Not ask me to stop/let it go/it is well...
And all those other cliche' phrases used to cover up,
To end the discomfort of being...
Still
And quiet
And present...in the presence of pain.
were
Still
And quiet
And present...
When I came home one day
many, many years ago
And burst into tears, wailing, crying!
Someone, a stranger passing by at the bustop,
had inappropriately touched me.
I was too shocked to utter a word then,
And held my tears till I walked thorough the door...
And you were there.
Still
And quiet
And present...
Through it all.
Thank you Nzash.
