"You hurt him!
You hurt him!
You messed up his life!
You Devil!"
I screamed as I drove down the highway at 140KPH...
"And now we have to live with the agony of watching him suffer the torture of the never fading-never relenting memory of what you did! You are dead now! And I wish you could die again!" I whimpered as I fell back exhausted and slowed down the car, see, I really did not want to kill myself.
The pain, the anger, the bouts of self doubt and depression...
Were you thinking when you did this to us?!
You were not.
You were just thinking of yourself. You Devil!
Of your own pleasure. Using three innocent little children...abusing us.
What did you imagine?!
That we would go on as if nothing had happened?!
That we would grow up normal?
Look at me now?! Look at us now?! 26 years later...
I trust no one.
I give no one a chance to come close, to touch me, to love me...
I have armed my heart to protect my soul.
I will give no one the opportunity to hurt me again!
...yet every day I am losing out on the chance to love and be loved...
Were you thinking of my future when you did this to me?
To us?
Were you thinking about what memories you were imprinting on my mind?
Memories that I may never lay to rest, but for the GRACE OF GOD!
You are everywhere I turn.
...On every packet of biscuit that you brought to us, trying to bribe me into forgetting what you did!
...In the name of your son and of your mother's son, blinking on my cellphone screen when he calls to say 'hello!'
I don't have to pick it up....I don't have to speak to him.
But I do and I will,
For the sins of the father shall not be visited on the son
Nor shall they be visited on the brother...
Die!
Die again!
Die! Die! Die!
You messed up my life!
....And now I am left stringing together the pieces...
And praying that my family's constant and unfailing love will last long enough to carry me through
the hurt...
the anger...
the pain...
and bouts of depression...
that keep coming over me.
Have mercy on me Lord!
